death

08.08.2026

a very weird concept. a disturbing one. a confusing one. 

i’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. and i haven’t been enjoying it. it’s scary. when i was younger, i was really scared of it. the thought of losing my loved ones or being taken away from them was one of the scariest things to me until i was about 13. but i had never really experienced death up close. and by that i mean that nobody really close to me had died. distant relatives, yes. pets, yes. (these were all incredibly sad but i managed to get over them quite quickly. i’m not as heartless as i sound). but not a human that i dearly love and care about. and i hate even talking about it because it feels like i’m almost manifesting it by giving it energy. but i think, maybe, it’s a matter of “too good to be true”, in the sense that everything has been too good for it to remain so. i don’t know. i think for a few years now, death has not fazed me. i think i was quite disconnected with the matter in every sense of the word. i didn’t care if it was me or the people around me. i would have gotten over it. maybe it’s something that comes with getting older. i’m starting to cherish my connections beyond the limits of flesh. souls that i love and souls that love me. and the fear of losing them grows larger everyday. i try not to freak myself out about it. as a non-religious, philosophy and theology nerd, i have very mixed feelings about death and the afterlife. i don’t know if there is such a thing as heaven and hell or reincarnation or whatever, but i normally tend to be quite at peace with the possibilities. lately, however, i have felt more scared about my loved ones. i would say we are closely knit. more than we’d realise. and to think that death is the one, guaranteed inevitability that awaits us all one day is sickening. i think for a while i didn’t recognise the depth of love that i have for people or the love that they have for me. i think that i would have been okay with loss as i never let the love in. there was almost an invisible barrier between me and others. i cared about them, but i had the capacity to detach given the circumstances. but for a few weeks now, i have felt a total shift in my emotions about love. my family means more to me now than it ever has. i have recognised the importance of friendship beyond just habit. this isn’t to say that i didn’t care about anyone before. i definitely did. but “care” and “love” hold a new kind of weight now. solitude is less empowering these days. i’m not sure if this is a good thing, though. i felt almost happier when i cared less. more independent and happy because loss didn’t feel threatening. but i was also detached. i haven’t felt closeness like this before. while it’s warm, and enjoyable for the most part, it is oddly debilitating. i feel reliant. i’m not too sure how i feel about that. but death. it’s scaring me a lot lately. i don’t know. there’s something about the responsibilities that come with growing up that can make one feel vulnerable. i’ve started learning how to drive. and while it is incredibly rewarding, i’m noticing how fragile life is and how the world is unpredictable. i sound so pessimistic. i don’t mean to. but now, more than ever, have i been reminded of the sanctity of life. not in a particularly religious way. but just in the sense that life is delicate and i just worry that i’ve taken it for granted. from bedrotting to saying no to playing with my younger cousins or nieces and nephews, guilt is beginning to pursue me as i am coming to terms with the fact that these moments won’t last forever. you never know what fate has in store for you or anyone. while i try to look at this through a positive lens for the most part, the fearful aspects of this never fail to creep up on me while i’m laid wide awake at 2am, regretting how much of a waste i let today go to. i’ve been doing more lately. and i wouldn’t say it’s an escapism technique although that’s what it looks like. instead, an attempt of trying to make the most of the life i have been gifted. not everyone gets the chance to chase their dreams. and not everyone has the ability to. no matter what you believe in. religious or not. we have no certainty as to what awaits us after this. it’s important to cherish the moments you are gifted with. tell people you love them. give hugs. give kisses. do what you want to do. be kind. get things off your chest. life isn’t guaranteed. but death is. live your life to the absolute fullest until you die.